All of the cheating that goes on confirms that monogamy does not work for a lot of people. (I am not saying that it doesn't work for some people or that everyone cheats.) The problem with expecting monogamy from someone who is not inclined to be monogamous is that it creates a situation where deceit is likely.
I personally care more about honesty than I do about monogamy. I know that sex isn't the same as love, and if my partner has sex with another woman, it does not mean that I am inadequate. I simply cannot be everything to him, nor should I try to be.
I bought the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino, and it just made so much sense to me. Yes, an open relationship is the way to go for me.
At the time, I was still with my husband of 9 years. He was freaked out about the idea. He had no desire to indulge any of the different sexual experimentation I was interested in, but at the same time, he was not secure enough to let me explore being with other people - not even other women.
After we split up, I decided that I wasn't going to be monogamous again. But then I fell in love.
My current boyfriend was all for the idea initially, but once he really fell for me, he didn't like the idea of me being with another person. So, he asked me to be exclusive, and I agreed.
As time went on, I seriously began to question whether or not he was going to be faithful. I would often ask him if he felt like he needed some variety and assured him it was alright with me. He would say that he didn't want anyone but me. Yet I always had a nagging suspicion that he was going to cheat on me or that he was being dishonest. I also struggled with my own faithfulness, especially because, after leaving my religion a few years ago, I realized that I am bisexual, and I want to experience being with other women.
One day, after I had been chatting erotically with a male friend of mine - and seriously questioning my commitment to monogamy - I snooped around on my boyfriend's computer and found that he had been meeting women online throughout our entire relationship.
I confronted him, and he felt really bad about hurting me. He said that he didn't intend to meet any of them offline. He just liked to get them to send him pictures. I already know that he likes to masturbate to porn, so it seemed plausible. I also always know where he is. And I know that he really does love me. We have a great relationship. Plus, I could tell that he felt bad about it.
Again, I told him that I am okay with having an open relationship. I understand if he wants some variety. I know that he loves me, and it doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship with another woman. Blah, blah, blah.
I also brought up that I want to be able to play with other women, so it didn't have to mean my being with other men. Still, he insisted that he didn't want to be with anyone else.
Finally, one night a few weeks later, we were really drunk and the topic came up again. He said that he decided that he didn't mind if I was with another woman, but he really didn't want me to be with another man. I agreed to that.
Then, he finally admitted that he does like variety. I told him that it is okay with me for him to sleep with other women. I know that his heart is here, and I am not worried about him leaving me.
He said that there was a woman that he was supposed to hook up with before we met, but she moved. Now she's coming back to the area, and she's been texting him. He told her that he has a girlfriend and can't hook up. But he would really like to. He even jerked off one day thinking about it.
I told him that it's okay. I was overjoyed that he was finally being honest with me because I never really trusted him, and now I can. I know that he's the kind of guy who likes a lot of sex, and I always knew he really wanted to be with other women. I knew he was still talking to women behind my back - and lying about it - and that it was just a matter of time before he ended up cheating.
He said he was really sorry for not being honest, but he's just never met a woman who would be okay with that. Then he said I don't have to worry about him falling for someone else because he loves everything about me and doesn't have any interest in finding a different girlfriend. He just - as I suspected - likes variety. Plus, he thinks it will make our sex life better, which is what a lot of couples said in "Opening Up." (Not that our sex life isn't already great.)
I felt closer to him than ever. I definitely think this will be a good thing.
So, now he has plans to get together with that woman next week, one night after work. It will be interesting to see how it goes. He said he feels guilty about being with someone else, even though I said it was okay. He wanted me to do it first, so he wouldn't feel bad, but I have been busy with some other stuff and haven't taken the time to meet someone. (Unfortunately, none of my girlfriends are bi.)
I read him a quote from "Opening Up," from the chapter on partnered nonmonogamy, which is the arrangement we have, where there is a primary relationship of two committed people, who have sex with other people but not serious relationships.
"I definitely have a single significant other. While I certainly fuck/play with other people, there's a distinct boundary of `home' and `extracurricular.' My girlfriend is the person I live with, work with, spend most of my time with, and most importantly, love."He said, "Awwww," which is exactly what I said when I read it. That's how he feels, and that's why I am okay with him being with other women. I know where his heart calls home.
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